I Put Cukes in My Water Bottle...

"The cucumber accents the water in such a way that..." - Will Ferrell


I knew none of you would believe me so I put the link of my homeboy Will's quote...


Yesterday, I decided a great idea would be to add cucumbers to my water bottle. To give it a little extra freshness and crispness. I usually like it with lemon/lime, and some herbs as well (try it, it's delicious!) So I sliced up a bunch of persian cukes and was super happy and excited.
 Then it hit me....


The mouth of the bottle is barely larger than the cuke slices. IN FACT, I may or may not have used brute force to squish some of them in it...
All I could think of after that was OH.MY.GOSH.HOW.AM.I.GONNA.GET.THEM.OUT?? I.DON'T.WANT.CRUDDY.CUKES.IN.MY.WATER.BOTTLE!!! 


Did I really panic at work? Maybe...
Was it called for? Absolutely.


Every time I drank water, instead of being super refreshed, all I could think of is "oh gross, I HAVE NASTY SLIMEY CUKEY WATER!!!!!!!"


Two days later I finally freed them. 


This story was better told in person. 


Anyway all that to say, for flavored waters, try the following combos:
-- cucumber
-- lemon
-- mint
-- lavender
-- limes
-- berries (blueberries, strawberries, raspberries--these are nice frozen)


I like to make combos:
-- cucumber lemon and mint
-- lemon and mint
-- lemon and lime
-- surely you get the point


*UPDATE* I don't know how to get my text to wrap around the photo.


*2nd Update* If you are going to swerve into a lane and cut someone off, when they honk to let you know they are there, don't slow down when they move out of the lane and then give them the finger. You kinda already did that when you took over their lane. 

Obsessive Compulsive Brussels Sprouts...

“We kids feared many things in those days - werewolves, dentists, North Koreans, Sunday School - but they all paled in comparison with Brussels sprouts.”  - Dave Barry


I keep looking here to see if anyone is commenting or reading it or even cares. I think the answer is "no". None of you clowns are actually reading this blog, all the hits are just me checking in because I'm obsessive compulsive and I really don't want to fail at something like blogging. That is just mortifying, really. It's like being a gamer, how can you fail at Dungeons and Dragons? Not lose the game, but let's be honest here and just admit, if you're playing D&D, you probably aren't a candidate of "Most Awesome Person Ever" Award. Leave that to those of us who are Judgy McJudgerson and blog before 6am, buddy. 


I love food. (I know, that's like Michael Jordan holding a press conference to announce he thinks basketball is a-ok. Bite me.) I hate people who are very snobby and inaccessible about food. My pet peeve is when we think we know more about food than we do (I once went to dinner with a woman who insisted that microgreens were spinach. I never went to dinner or talked to her again. I wish I was joking. But that was just one example of how the food quirk manifests itself in me.)  Sometimes I fear that this blog will turn into one of those boring places where people only go because they feel like they should because they're my real-life-friend and therefore obligated to support my online-persona, if only to push me out of the way for candidacy as "Most Awesome Person Ever." 


It is is tough to think that when I've only bothered to write a whole 6 (now 7) times. But that's part of the reason for my month-long silence. In addition to not measuring up to my own standards (see what I did there? In the biz we call that punny. Please don't throat punch me next time you see me), I didn't want to get tied down with a boring, unhelpful, inaccessible, self-absorbed blog. 


Then I realized you guys will send me emails, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, or sometimes facebook comments/likes (thank you, by the way) so at this point it's safe to think you guys still think there's hope out there for an obsessive compulsive food nerd who lacks the ability to employ standardized cooking measurements, patience to do the step-by-step photo thing or creativity to illustrate my work with neat drawings. After writing that sentence I realized this cannot end well.


Anyway, inspired by my friend Tim, I decided to try my hand at making some brussels sprouts that even your kid (or you as a kid) would enjoy:

What you are looking at was dinner a few weeks ago: brussels sprouts, apple, onion, prosciutto, goat cheese, milk, cayenne pepper, black pepper, sea salt, cumin, chili powder and white wine. Ok, happy eating!


Just kidding. To make your own:


Step 1:  Prep. 
           Wash brussels sprouts and trim. I cut the bottoms off. Put in a bowl. 
           Slice onion--I made pretty large strips as I wanted them to be more than a seasoning/aromatic but as an actual ingredient. I used a yellow onion (see: Things I'd do differently below)  
           Chop apple-- All I had was a yellow one that I wasn't really sure was good because it was so old. But it was good enough. (Again, go to recommended changes at the bottom)
           Prosciutto: Purchased pre-chopped. If you want, you can use pancetta or bacon. If you use bacon, you need to cook and crumble first.  


Step 2:  Blanch brussels sprouts. 
           To do this all you do is get a big pot for boiling water and put a steamer basket in it--you know the metal thing that fits in the big pot with holes in it--add some salt to the water. Make sure the water does not actually come INTO the steamer basket, but sits BELOW it. Put on the lid and turn the heat up until it boils. Once it is boiling, deposit the sprouts into the basket, put the lid back on. Watch it because you don't want to overcook. Overcooked food is gross food. While the sprouts are steaming, get a large glass bowl out and put ice cubes in it and water. A lot of ice cubes. Once those sprouts turn a nice bright green and are a bit less cooked than you would like, remove them from the steamer basket and put them in the ice water. Look at you, you just blanched the $#!+ outta them sprouts!!


Step 3: Caramelize onions. You can start this between Step 1 and Step 2 if you have the time. 
            To not waste the nice taste of butter, put a large non-coated (if you have it) saucepan (or just large pan) on high heat on the stovetop range. Wait until pan is hot. You know it's hot when it blisters your finger. Or when you put a little water on it and it sizzles. 
            Put the onions on this and THEN add a little butter, olive oil*, fresh cracked pepper, and fresh cracked sea salt. You want the butter/olive oil to coat the bottom of your pan and your onions. You will LOVE the smell and crackly sounds this will make. 
            Reduce heat. As the fats disappear, add white wine to the saute mixture. I used pinot grigio (see things I'd change).


Step 4: Add chopped apple and prosciutto. 
            Once the onions are translucent but before they are caramelized, kick the heat up to about medium, and add the apples and the prosciutto. You want all these ingredients to get a nice brown crispiness to the outside, but not burned. Eyeball the liquids--you probably won't need more fat now that you have the nice moisture of the caramelizing onions and the fat from the prosciutto. But if you need more, add some white wine or a little water. 


Step 5: Add spices: Chili powder, cinnamon, cumin, cayenne pepper.**
           Once your onions, apples, and prosciutto are all in the pan, you want to add cinnamon, chili powder, cumin, and cayenne pepper. To taste.  For me, I added enough chili powder to have the ingredients look like a red crack had rained down on them--a decent dusting. I added about 2/3 as much cinnamon--it is heavier, looks heavier, feels heavier, and the taste is heavier. I wanted the dish to taste bright, so I just put a light dusting. Same with cumin--it is distinct. I love it, but I didn't want people to only taste cumin . You could put cardamom in this dish too, I may have added about a pinch or a dash, I'm not sure though. Since I love spicy, and I have a slight addiction to cayenne pepper, I used a heavy hand. Cayenne pepper can be quite hot and the heat builds, so if you don't want it too spicy, hold back. 


Step 6:  Making your Cheaters' Cream Sauce
             By now your sprouts should be blanched. In a microwave-safe measuring glass, pour some milk and microwave to heat up. Now is not the time to ruin your dish with curdled milk. Add the heated milk to the saucepan of onions, apples, and prosciutto. Let reduce a bit. If you feel like it, add a little cream. I also added some goat cheese. Reduce the heat and simmer on low until the milk/cream/cheese is now a cheaters' cream sauce. Add the sprouts (I cut the large ones in half). Mix it all together and cover and let it keep simmering until it looks cohesive, smells uniform, and the sauce is creamy. 


Step 7: Enjoy.


Always always always be tasting. Throughout each step and each sub-step taste. This will help you go in the direction YOU want your dish to go. 


Things I'd do differently:  
        Use shallots or a red onion. Yellow was fine but red onion is stronger and more flavorful. Shallots are more flavorful and more fun to say. 
        Use a tarter, firmer apple. Like Granny Smith. Like I said, this was a whimsy, I used what I had.
        Used a spicier, fuller, stronger white wine. The pinot grigio added a sweetness that went well with the apple. But I think a different wine would be superior--sauvignon blanc, chardonnay, or another fuller, spicier white wine. 

        Roast the blanched sprouts. While the onions, apples, and prosciutto are cooking, turn the oven on high broil; put the sprouts on a pan, and roast them. Watch the sprouts though because high broil burns quickly. Turn them over so they are all nice and browned. Remove.  I would do this because the roasting would add another dimension to the flavor profile (smokiness) and texture (more crunch--which would be consistent with the apple and prosciutto).

This is what happens when you're cooking on the fly though, folks. Improvise, adapt, and eat happy!


* (do NOT use extra virgin. Extra virgin olive oil is to be eaten raw, NEVER cooked. Use just plain olive oil. If you write me and tell me "oh but the cooking channel or celebrity chef so-n-so uses extra virgin olive oil on heat" I will send a throat punch to your house addressed to you. Well to your throat. That's just how strongly I feel about this.)


** Spices: The bottom line is that you want the spices to be present enough to add dimension, depth, fullness to your dish without people taking a bite and only tasting the spice. Spices really need to draw out the natural flavors and qualities of the various products they are highlighting. Think of spice as megaphones. Their job is merely to amplify whatever goodness it is you are cooking. 

Absence: Measurements

“Cookery is not chemistry. It is an art. It requires instinct and taste rather than exact measurements.” - Marcel Boulestin 


Intending to blog at least once a week, the level of my frustration with certain cooking quirks deflated my sense of purpose in blogging about food. Namely, that I don't measure. I can't follow recipes so I no longer bother.  I crave accuracy, so my lack of measuring seems a bit of a deviation. But to me, measuring ingredients often muddles the accuracy of the flavor of the dish. We are trying to capture a certain sentiment, often a memory, often creation of a new memory that feels familiar. 


Measurements are good--they allow us to accurately reproduce a certain flavor. They allow us to transfer that flavor, that dish from one to another, and the passing and revisions reflect the giver and receiver and on the dish goes until it becomes iconic. But it is the revisions and modifications and personalizations that make it iconic. It is the lack of measurements, not the presence of measurements. It is like music--the structure is needed but it must be dressed with something that cannot be taught or quantified--with soul and passion and that natural "it"ness. 


A friend, who was teasing me for my inability to measure when I cook, said that if it's not repeatable it's only a whim.


Which made me realize. I can measure. Just not by standardized measurements. I measure by feel, sight, and taste. I eyeball, taste, smell, EVERYTHING. I can't follow a written recipe because as I'm reading I'm anticipating the color, texture, temperature, flavor, and I always know what I want to add, remove, increase or decrease. I know if I want to change a technique.


But when I make a dish, I remember how. And I can recreate the flavor. So it is repeatable, just maybe not transferable in the traditional sense. I say traditional sense because I have been able to show friends and they've been able to repeat the same dish. And folks will give me their ideas and ask for help, and we can walk through it together. 


I will try to learn how to measure. And when you ask me questions, I will even go and get flour or water and eyeball and dump into a measuring device if we need to go that far. 


So....starting today, I'm going to post the "recipes" I have--without measurements. Hopefully, they will inspire you to stretch and reach for flavors, techniques, styles that are yet to be yours. And hopefully, you will help me learn and grow and understand your own, too. 


Happy eating!